Thursday, August 11, 2011
Letting Go
When I got home from retreat, I hit the packing very hard. Being a pack-rat at heart, it is extremely hard for me to do the necessary throwing-away, donating, and organizing that is necessary to be mobile as a Jesuit. That is a key form of our poverty, letting go in order to go forward in a mission. I am a book-fiend, and as much as I would like to keep the 4 or 5 dozen books I have collected in the past two years (we were only allowed to enter with 10), I know that I can't be mobile with that amount of luggage! So, I had to go through the "agonizing" process of sifting through and departing with 2 or 3 dozen of them, some of which were really great books too :(
Vow Retreat
It's 1:26 am. We have Mass at 7:30am. It's been a crazy day. Tomorrow will be crazier. I know, I should go to sleep, but the adrenaline from this day of packing, preparing, and joking around is just too much. At noon we returned from our Vow Triduum retreat, during which we prayed more about what is ahead, had faith-sharing, and wrote out several forms and papers. For example, we had to hand-write three copies of the vow formula which we will say (one of which will go to the headquarters in Rome).
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Nerves
Friends,
As I have said before, it is with great joy that I am preparing for vows. However, I figured it was only fair to share with you a few reflections on the fears that come with them.
I have heard it said that fear is "False Evidence Appearing Real." Going along with that, St. Ignatius teaches that when a person is following God's call for them in general or in specific circumstances (whatever they may be), it is the work of the evil spirit to suggest unnecessary hindrances to that path.
Thus, I am reminded that although it is "natural" to have worries, these concerns do not have the authority of God and thus should be taken with a grain of salt. In fact, just yesterday I was getting a haircut and as I told the stylist what I was doing and mentioned in honesty that some fears were coming up, the stylist point-blank said, "You're giving yourself to God--what is there to be afraid of?"
In any case, as with any major decision, there can be that hissing doubt of "what if I am making the wrong one?" "What if I haven't appropriately discerned this?" "What if I mess this up?" "What if I am unhappy with the results of this decision?"
It is then that I must remind myself that I have been intensely pondering this call for years, especially through all the "experiments" of the past two in novitiate, and that through-thick-and-thin, I have consistently been led back to this as my deepest desire, despite the doubts that have presented themselves at various points. It is that deepest desire that will not disappoint, because it is God who has given that desire and that will fulfill it.
As one of my brothers often says, "God cannot be outdone in generosity." As with any gift of self to God (as scary as it may be), it is swallowed up in the riches of His generosity.
A Great [and tame] Bachelor Party
I thought I would tell you all briefly about a special celebration that our first-year brothers organized for the 9 of us "vow men" this past Friday while we were on vacation. It was envisioned in a sense as a "bachelor party," although that term has unfortunately been sullied by some less-than-virtuous connotations :). Nevertheless, this was meant to be a time of enjoying one another's company before we make this commitment and part ways (in good Jesuit-style) to the "four winds" on our various missions.
After Mass and breakfast, we went to a nearby river and rented canoes. It was an 11 mile ride that was scenic, contemplative, and quite humorous as many of us frequently banged into rocks, tipped over, etc. because of how shallow the water was. At one point I seriously feared for my life when we lost our canoe in some "rapids," and I was stuck in the fast waters and rocks. I prayed the Blessed Mother would "save me," and, thank God, I eventually stumbled to shore.
That evening we went by boat to a local restaurant on the lake. On the way there, we stopped the boat and some of the guys shared toasts, etc. and why they are taking vows. These were heartfelt, funny, and spoke to the close bond that we have. One of the comments that most struck me was by one of my vow-brothers who said a former girlfriend had recently told him that in seeing the way he has surrendered in the novitiate, "no woman could have reigned you in like God has."
I treated myself to a barbecue chicken pizza and a pina colada. Later in the night one of my first-year brothers took the liberty of ordering me a second :) It was a beautiful night and a treasure of a memory.
After Mass and breakfast, we went to a nearby river and rented canoes. It was an 11 mile ride that was scenic, contemplative, and quite humorous as many of us frequently banged into rocks, tipped over, etc. because of how shallow the water was. At one point I seriously feared for my life when we lost our canoe in some "rapids," and I was stuck in the fast waters and rocks. I prayed the Blessed Mother would "save me," and, thank God, I eventually stumbled to shore.
That evening we went by boat to a local restaurant on the lake. On the way there, we stopped the boat and some of the guys shared toasts, etc. and why they are taking vows. These were heartfelt, funny, and spoke to the close bond that we have. One of the comments that most struck me was by one of my vow-brothers who said a former girlfriend had recently told him that in seeing the way he has surrendered in the novitiate, "no woman could have reigned you in like God has."
I treated myself to a barbecue chicken pizza and a pina colada. Later in the night one of my first-year brothers took the liberty of ordering me a second :) It was a beautiful night and a treasure of a memory.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
The Vow Formula
These are the words that I will be saying, adding my name in the space, on my knees before the Blessed Sacrament in the middle of Mass on the day of vows.
Almighty and eternal God, I, ____________________, understand how unworthy I am in your divine sight. Yet I am strengthened by your infinite compassion and mercy, and I am moved by the desire to serve you. I vow to your divine Majesty, before the most holy Virgin Mary and the entire heavenly court, perpetual chastity, poverty, and obedience in the Society of Jesus. I promise that I will enter this same Society to spend my life in it forever. I understand all these things according to the Constitutions of the Society of Jesus. Therefore, by your boundless goodness and mercy, and through the blood of Jesus Christ, I humbly ask that you judge this total commitment of myself acceptable. And as you have freely given me the desire to make this offering, so also may you give me the abundant grace to fulfill it.
Almighty and eternal God, I, ____________________, understand how unworthy I am in your divine sight. Yet I am strengthened by your infinite compassion and mercy, and I am moved by the desire to serve you. I vow to your divine Majesty, before the most holy Virgin Mary and the entire heavenly court, perpetual chastity, poverty, and obedience in the Society of Jesus. I promise that I will enter this same Society to spend my life in it forever. I understand all these things according to the Constitutions of the Society of Jesus. Therefore, by your boundless goodness and mercy, and through the blood of Jesus Christ, I humbly ask that you judge this total commitment of myself acceptable. And as you have freely given me the desire to make this offering, so also may you give me the abundant grace to fulfill it.
At St. Thomas More Church, on the 13th day of August, in the year 2011.
Countdown to Vows: How Am I Feeling?
As Vows speedily approach, I thought I would spend some time explaining the internal dynamics of this time. This is a sacred time in life, one of expectation and wonder. I am reminded of Rudolf Otto's description of the sacred as the "Mysterium tremendum et fascinans." I think that Latin phrase says it quite well. The vows are mysterious. The vows are tremendous, causing some trepidation. The vows are also captivating, being a focal point of desire. This is not unlike the preparation I would think a couple undergoes before the Sacrament of Marriage. Thus, it is a time of profound joy.
Last summer in Peru, I remember walking up a hillside with one of my second year brothers to an archaeological site of human sacrifice to the sun-god. It was precisely 50 days until he took his vows, and so I quipped, "Only 50 more days, and YOU will be made a holy oblation before the Lord." He did not find that overly funny. Yet then and there I made a mental note that although vows would indeed entail much sacrifice, if I did not feel deep JOY at that point the following year, I probably should not proceed toward taking them.
Thankfully, there has been a consisent peace, joy, and feedom in stepping toward this sacrifice. I am quite aware that I am going to be receiving A LOT, and not just giving. Even though poverty, chastity, and obedience may sound like a real pain (and they are modeled on Christ's life of sacrifice), I can have confidence in His words that what is given up for His sake is given back one hundredfold.
One of the greatest parts of preparing for vows is that I am not doing it alone. I have 8 amazing brothers who are right here with me, every step of the way. I also have a worldwide brotherhood of 15,000 who I will be joining. Most of all, this is an opportunity to grow in further union and fidelity with the God of love.
Last summer in Peru, I remember walking up a hillside with one of my second year brothers to an archaeological site of human sacrifice to the sun-god. It was precisely 50 days until he took his vows, and so I quipped, "Only 50 more days, and YOU will be made a holy oblation before the Lord." He did not find that overly funny. Yet then and there I made a mental note that although vows would indeed entail much sacrifice, if I did not feel deep JOY at that point the following year, I probably should not proceed toward taking them.
Thankfully, there has been a consisent peace, joy, and feedom in stepping toward this sacrifice. I am quite aware that I am going to be receiving A LOT, and not just giving. Even though poverty, chastity, and obedience may sound like a real pain (and they are modeled on Christ's life of sacrifice), I can have confidence in His words that what is given up for His sake is given back one hundredfold.
One of the greatest parts of preparing for vows is that I am not doing it alone. I have 8 amazing brothers who are right here with me, every step of the way. I also have a worldwide brotherhood of 15,000 who I will be joining. Most of all, this is an opportunity to grow in further union and fidelity with the God of love.
Novices vs. The World
On St. Ignatius Day (July 31st), there is an annual tradition at Villa of a softball game of "Novices vs. the World," with "the World" meaning everyone at villa who is not a novice. For instance, a regular pitcher was a 74 year old who says he runs 5 miles every other day (gosh I hope I can be like that someday!).
Before the game, I overheard someone say that "the World always wins." I don't know if this is true, but it sure wasn't this year! Our novices came back from behind to win 11-8, with yours truly getting two hits. It was quite a victory to behold.
One of the best parts of Villa is the inter-generational nature of it. Some of these Jesuits have been coming here for 40 or more years. Indeed, one of them just recently preached on how it has been a "still point" in his formation process, a home to always back to, in the midst of all the transitions of life. Indeed, there is a lot to learn from these men. I spent one night chatting about technology until 10 o'clock with a world-renowned Jesuit photographer, Fr. Don Doll.
After the baseball game, a novice and I went to go walk and pray the Rosary. We quickly came upon an 80 year-old Jesuit who evidently had the same idea. We asked if he wanted to join us, and so we prayed together along the road. At the end when we parted ways, you could really see it in his eyes that he appreciated and enjoyed that prayer with the younger generation.
Before the game, I overheard someone say that "the World always wins." I don't know if this is true, but it sure wasn't this year! Our novices came back from behind to win 11-8, with yours truly getting two hits. It was quite a victory to behold.
One of the best parts of Villa is the inter-generational nature of it. Some of these Jesuits have been coming here for 40 or more years. Indeed, one of them just recently preached on how it has been a "still point" in his formation process, a home to always back to, in the midst of all the transitions of life. Indeed, there is a lot to learn from these men. I spent one night chatting about technology until 10 o'clock with a world-renowned Jesuit photographer, Fr. Don Doll.
After the baseball game, a novice and I went to go walk and pray the Rosary. We quickly came upon an 80 year-old Jesuit who evidently had the same idea. We asked if he wanted to join us, and so we prayed together along the road. At the end when we parted ways, you could really see it in his eyes that he appreciated and enjoyed that prayer with the younger generation.
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